As Sick As Our Secrets Read online

  My name was called and Aaron offered to come in with me. I thought that was a good idea. The way I was at the moment, I couldn’t trust myself to register the doctor’s words. Also, it was nice to have his support by my side. I trusted Aaron wholeheartedly. He had been in my group at rehab, so knew my life story. I couldn’t get away with anything in front of him.

  The doctor listened to what I had to say and was very sympathetic. He asked me lots of questions about my drinking and for once I was honest. There was no point trying to fool him. Dr Kalib had been my doctor for years and I liked him.

  What he agreed to do for me was a home detox. This meant coming into the surgery every day for the next week to see him and pick up my medication. I had taken Librium before and I knew it made me drowsy but I liked the idea of having a reason to get up each day. He also sent a request through to put me in touch with a counsellor from the drug and alcohol team. He said that appointment might take longer to come through. In the meantime, he wanted to check my progress every day until then.

  He did a blood test and checked my blood pressure. It always made me smile when I had it checked. For some reason, it reminded me of checking the oil in my car. If ever there was anything wrong with my car, I always checked the oil. It never sorted out the problem, but it did confirm for me whether I needed any oil or not. The same when I was ill. I bought myself a blood pressure monitoring kit and if ever I was ill, I checked it. It didn’t do anything to improve my ailments but at least I knew my blood pressure was okay.

  I came out of that meeting with a sense of hope. The doctor’s words had been encouraging.

  “You’ve been here before Sophie and made a success of it so you can do it again,” Aaron said. The GP wrote me a sick note for a month to give me time to get well. I hadn’t even needed to ask him for one, he volunteered it. I didn’t think work would be too pleased. As Aaron pointed out though, this was my life we were talking about, which was more important than any job.

  “You can get another job but we can’t make another Sophie,” he said.

  “I don’t think that would be such a bad thing,” I said, my mouth drooping.

  The next couple of days were going to be scary. I had been told that before about coming off alcohol. It is possible to have fits. For the next few days, Aaron agreed to stay at my flat to keep an eye on me. I did think about asking my friend, Angela if I could stay at hers but then agreed that Aaron might be a better option. If the idea of a drink came over me, Aaron was better placed to talk it through with and I couldn’t fool him.

  “I’ve got to go out tomorrow afternoon so I’ll see if Liam can come over.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter, Aaron.”

  “We don’t want anything to happen to you if you fit and yes you do need a babysitter. You’re not doing a very good job of managing on your own.” That was me told.

  I was glad that the lads did come over to watch me. I kept suffering from pangs of remorse and my addled brain wanted to drink to take away the pain.

  A couple of nights later I was sat there with the pair of them drinking tea and coffee.

  “What you need is a strong female to take you under their wing and help you, Sophie,” Aaron said.

  “What about that lady, erm what was her name, your ex-boyfriend’s mum, oh, you know who I mean? I can’t remember her name,” Liam said.

  “Oh, Joyce? Yeah, she helped me when I came out of rehab. I haven’t spoken to her in ages.” Liam and Aaron looked at each other.

  Then Liam replied, “Yeah, she was the one. She’s a recovering alcoholic isn’t she?”

  “She’s a long time sober. She’s got a lot of wisdom and she’s straight talking,” I said.

  “There you go, you ought to let her know what’s happened.” Liam looked at me, cocking his head to one side in anticipation of my reply. I thought about it. My pride didn’t want anyone to know what I had done but Joyce would understand. Everyone kept telling me I couldn’t fight this on my own. So, as much as I wanted to justify why it wasn’t a good idea to get in touch with her, deep down they were right. It was what I needed to do.

  “I’ll phone her later.”

  “Do it now so we know you mean it.” Liam pursed his lips in thought. I sighed heavily.

  “Okay, you’re the boss.” I raised my eyebrows and Liam smiled at me. These two weren’t going to cut me any slack. I phoned Joyce. As soon as she heard my voice, she knew something was wrong. I’d always been surprised how perceptive she was. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting as a reply to my revelations but I hadn’t expected her to be so empathic.

  “Do you want me to come round, love?”

  The guys heard her question, and I glanced across at them. They were both nodding their heads.

  “I’ve had Liam and Aaron looking after me so if you don’t mind doing the next shift, that would be great,” I laughed.

  “I’ll be right over.” We ended the call, and I felt in awe of Joyce. Whatever her plans had been, she was prepared to drop everything to come and help me. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t so sure I’d have been there as quickly if the shoe had been on the other foot. I wiped a tear from my eye. I felt so fortunate having good friends who hadn’t turned their backs on me like my sister had.

  Joyce arrived and Aaron and Liam got up ready to leave.

  “Look after her, Joyce,” Aaron smiled.

  “I will, but she’s going to have to do some work herself.”

  I let them out and returned to the lounge. I sat opposite Joyce and gave her the details of what happened. I hoped that by telling her about the vandalism to my home and Dad’s illness, she would realise why I drank.

  “So everything you learnt and the tools you’ve used before to stay away from that first drink went out the window?”

  I looked down. I couldn’t justify anything to Joyce.

  She continued, “I didn’t get recovery first time. I fought against it and made lots of mistakes like you but I got to a place where I was prepared to go to any lengths to get well. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

  She’d said these words before to me and I knew what was coming next. Reluctantly, I listened.

  “I’ll do you a deal,” she said. “Your dad’s going to need your help when he comes out of hospital. I know you’ll want to do all you can but it’s early days for you. How about - if I talk to Steph and see if she’ll pay for a carer for your dad for a short period until you’re strong enough to help?” Joyce was a gem. She knew I wouldn’t want to speak to Steph yet. I nodded. “Wait a minute, I haven’t told you the deal. There’s something I want in return.” I raised my eyebrows in anticipation.

  “Oh?” I said.

  “I know you’ve been happy enough in the past to go to your support meetings from your rehab aftercare. There’s an organisation that will always be there for you, where you can make lifelong friends and show you a sustainable way of how to live life without alcohol.”

  It dawned on me what she was going to suggest. Something that I had been so abhorrent to try in the past because I didn’t want to believe I was an alcoholic. Maybe I needed this last lesson to give me a wake-up call and to show me I wasn’t just someone with a slight drink problem. My last bout of drinking convinced me without any shadow of a doubt what I was.

  “You want me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous?” Joyce nodded her head.

  “It’s stood me in good stead for the last thirty years,” she said.

  “Okay, I’ll give it a go.”

  Chapter 13

  SOPHIE

  I arrived at my first meeting that evening with Joyce. I was glad to have a friend with me for moral support. I didn’t know what to expect. Everyone was so kind and welcoming. I was given a cup of tea and told I didn’t need to do anything else other than sit and listen.

  The church hall was set out in rows and I was thankful that Joyce sat at the back. I sat alongside her. I didn’t fancy the idea of anyone recognising me. As the meeting s
tarted, I found it difficult to focus my mind on what the speaker said. I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs. I did the same with my arms.

  I glanced down at my skirt and decided it was too short and I wondered what people would think of me. I tugged at my hem, trying to cover my knees with the material. Thankfully, no one looked my way. I started picking my nail varnish off. I observed Joyce. She seemed to be listening intently as did everyone else in the room. It only felt like it was me struggling to concentrate.

  What I couldn’t get my head round was everyone appeared to be happy. Why would anyone be happy sitting in that room? The speaker talked about her shortcomings. She was a middle-aged lady with dark curly hair. The main thing that struck me about her was when she said she hadn’t had a drink for nearly twenty years and that she did it one day at a time. Before I came to the meeting, I hadn’t drunk in nearly five years but I hadn’t always found it easy. Some days it was like I was hanging on with my fingers tipped over the edge of a cliff.

  This last episode of drinking convinced me that I definitely had a problem. I didn’t like the idea of being an alcoholic but as with other illnesses, I didn’t have an option. As I listened to the various people in the meeting, I began to get hope that I could do this. These people seemed to be enjoying their lives. I hadn’t been enjoying mine in a long time. In fact, I was convinced the sun had stopped shining over me. My last drinking binge had shown me that I couldn’t drink successfully.

  People were beginning to look my way. I squirmed in my seat. They had been told it was my first meeting, and they were trying to help but I felt so uncomfortable. I glanced up at the clock and willed the meeting to be over. Then something happened. A young woman in her twenties began to speak. She was attractive with long brown hair. Her name was Nadia.

  She talked about how her drinking led to her child being taken from her. Her marriage to her childhood sweetheart only lasted a year. She said all the things I had been thinking. She had my attention. There were things she said I didn’t understand. However, something inside me changed when she spoke of hiding bottles around the house and I thought if she can get well, so can I.

  The meeting came to an end and a few people came up to me to say hello and give me their phone numbers. I chatted with them for a few minutes then looked to see where Joyce was. She was deep in conversation with a good looking guy in his thirties.

  Just then, Nadia came over.

  “I loved what you had to say,” I said to her, smiling.

  “Thanks. I still find it difficult speaking in public.”

  “I wouldn’t have thought so to listen to you speak. I loved your honesty. It helped me.”

  “Listen, I’ll give you my number. You can ring me if you ever fancy meeting up for coffee.” She looked at me with raised eyebrows.

  “Yes, I’d like that.” We spoke for a few minutes then I went to find Joyce. She was still talking to the handsome guy. I didn’t want to disturb their conversation, so I stayed a few feet away but the guy noticed me and beckoned me forward. Joyce put her arm around me.

  “This is Jack, Sophie,” she said.

  We shook hands then he asked, “How did you find your first meeting, Sophie?”

  “I don’t know if it’s right to say I enjoyed it.”

  “Of course it is if you’re being honest. The main thing here is that you’re honest, open-minded and willing to change.”

  “Yes, well I’m going to try. I loved the way people spoke from the heart. It inspired me.”

  “That’s good, I hope we see you again soon, Sophie.” He smiled at me and I felt glad I made the decision to come to the meeting. I had a lot of questions for Joyce but they could wait until we were on our own.

  “Come on then Sophie, let’s get you home,” Joyce said.

  Joyce proved to be a godsend for me. I told her everything that had been happening to me. There was no point holding back anymore. She even came to the hospital with me to see Dad. I had been anxious about this because I felt I had been letting him down. It was good to have support.

  I decided to tell Dad the truth why I hadn’t been to see him. Joyce waited for me in the reception area.

  “Dad, you know I told you I’ve been ill.”

  “Yes love, how are you now?” he held out his hand to take mine. I chose my words carefully and spoke softly and slowly.

  “I did have flu, but I also picked up a drink.”

  “Oh Sophie,” he said. He gripped my hand tightly.

  “I’m so sorry, Dad. I let you down.” Dad began to cry, and it started me off. I put my head against his chest and we stayed like that for some time. I knew my dad loved me unconditionally and wouldn’t forsake me. I told him that Steph wasn’t speaking to me.

  “She’ll come round, love. She always does. She’s more hot-headed than you but she calms down, eventually.”

  “I hope so. I don’t like falling out with her.”

  “So what are you going to do about your drinking?”

  I mentioned the meeting I had been to and how encouraged I had been and about doing a detox through the doctor. I saw the sense of relief sweep across his face.

  “Dad, I want to look after you when you come out as soon as I’m strong enough. I wondered about moving in with you for a short time. It would help me too?”

  “You’re always welcome at mine and if you are up to helping me for a while, then that would be great.” He smiled at me. I thought it through and felt it would be an ideal solution for both of us. It would give me a sense of purpose until I went back to work. Dad could watch me. We’d both be company for each other.

  “They’ll let me home sooner if I’ve got your support as well,” he said.

  I left the hospital in a lighter mood than when I had gone in. I decided to text Steph to tell her what I had agreed with Dad. If she still wasn’t speaking to me, then she wouldn’t pick the phone up so this way I could test her reactions. I got a reply straight back from her I’m glad you’re sorting yourself out. I hoped that was a good sign.

  Dad was allowed out two days later. The doctors were so pleased with his recovery but he was told he must take it easy for some time and they advised him to change his diet. Steph had gone along with Joyce’s suggestion and she arranged for a carer to come in for Dad so that I could get to my meetings. I monitored his food intake, and he watched for my drinking. We behaved like an old married couple nagging at each other.

  “I’m not buying you any pies, Dad, doctor’s orders.”

  “He didn’t say not to have one, just to cut down.”

  “No, we’ll have a nice salad for tea, tonight.” Dad didn’t appear too pleased.

  I stayed with Dad for a month while he got his strength back after his operation. When I moved home to my flat, I promised to do cooking and cleaning and get his shopping in until he felt up to doing it for himself. He was very independent and wanted to do everything but his body told him no so he reluctantly allowed me to nurse him back to full health.

  My doctor had given me a sick note for a further month and my intention was to return to work at the end of it. I was going to regular AA meetings and getting together with Joyce. I also had coffee with Nadia a couple of times and it lifted my spirits.

  Caring for Dad made me temporarily forget the problems I had. I knew I ought to leave well alone but for Cassie’s sake and my own curiosity, I wanted to do something. Returning home, I stepped into the warmth of my flat. My washing machine head was too wired to go to sleep that night.

  I turned on the TV. Flicking through the stations, I stopped when I spotted Crimewatch. I didn’t normally like watching true life crime as it tended to frighten me. I wanted to know if there had been any developments that made the news surrounding Cassie’s case. I was disappointed that nothing was broadcast. There was a mock-up of a burglary where two masked men entered the home of a young woman. It made me shudder as memories triggered for me. I switched the TV off, but it was too late. I didn’t want to remember how my pro
perty had been defaced but my mind had other ideas.

  I stood up, pacing the floor. I hoped the medication the doctor put me on would calm me down but so far it wasn’t having any effect. I retired to bed and tried to sleep. After ninety minutes of thrashing about, with the duvet landing on the floor twice, I conceded and got up and made myself a drink. My brain still whirred like a helicopter. I tried to read through the literature I received from the AA meeting but tonight nothing was going in. I opened my laptop and played a few games, hoping for sleep. Eventually, I was so exhausted slumber came.

  I woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed the next day. Bundling with energy, I decided to get my household chores done. Singing along to Ed Sheeran, I finished my ironing, I was amazed at how much I’d changed in such a short space of time. A few weeks back, I would have been too drunk to do any ironing and now I was going to regular AA meetings and enjoying the experience. Who’d have thought it?

  I attended the Wednesday meeting that evening, and I secretly hoped that Jack might be there. Last week he made a point of coming up to me at the end of the meeting and asking how I was. I didn’t know much about him but I heard him share briefly that his drinking caused the break-up of his marriage.

  As I got ready, I purposely left my long red hair down. It fell in curls over my shoulders. I thought it made me appear more feminine than my usual ponytail. I put on some extra eyeliner for good measure and crossed my fingers that Jack would be there.

  I went along that evening but to my disappointment, he wasn’t there. I arrived early and made myself a drink of tea pouring the hot water out of the large urn. Nadia arrived dressed in a chunky mohair sweater and tight jeans. She looked radiant although she would have looked good even if she’d been wearing a bin liner.

  “Hi Sophie, how are you doing?” she asked, wrapping her fingers around the polystyrene mug and taking a quick slurp of tea.

  “I’m better than I have been in a long time.”